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A Life I Used To Have –This Cage Holds Me Tight

My life used to be very different. In terms of a life that resembles my life previously, this life is nothing close to what I used to have. The life I used to have is a distant memory of what I have now. This cage holds me tight in its grip.

When I was growing up, I used to do stuff. I was way more active in my life, both physically, and socially. I grew up riding bicycles doing freestyle and BMX riding.

There were times people were afraid of seeing me ride my bike, what was normal for me, was all too much for them; they objected to riding with both feet on the handle bars while coasting down the street without a helmet or knee pads.

I had a motorcycle that I rode and was pretty good at it. I grew up knowing how to downhill snow ski, and made use of every chance I could get to hit the slopes. I learned to ski at double black diamond levels, and got quite a thrill from skiing like a wild man.

I also took up indoor rock climbing, and found it to be the real challenge both physically, and psychologically. Because to really climb well, it takes a lot of psychological skill to climb and keep your wits about you. Most people would think what I was doing was impossible. It wasn’t, there are people that climb way above me.

I used to go dancing, and was quite good at it. I took to swing dancing, because I thought the music was good, and it was fun to dance with pretty chicks at the Derby. Often several nights a week, I could be found dancing east cost swing, with some good food.

My skills were better back then, my ability to do things that took strength, endurance, and talent that are all required to be able to stay alive. I took up rollerblading, and was very agile on my feet. Really there wasn’t much that didn’t have wheels that I didn’t do, or try.

This all changed twenty years ago. My life took some awful wrong turn that I had no control of. It wasn’t that I did something stupid, nor was it that I got hurt. Well, I did get hurt really, really bad; but it wasn’t anything I had control over.

They said it was a chemical imbalance in my mind, and that I wasn’t to be considered a sane man any longer. Something somewhere had screwed my life up really bad. My life that I knew and loved was gone, in whole; the life I used to have has completely been taken from me. The life I have today; it is nothing compared to the living I was doing twenty years ago. What is more, this life I have now, it’s not really living; it is closer to a living death.

It feels so damn unfair that my life was taken from me. There were things that I enjoyed doing a great deal; none of which I have been able to do or take part of in twenty years. I long for the days I was physically challenging myself to push my limits, to go fast on wheels, and enjoy the rush of adrenaline in my body that made me feel alive.

This existence, it’s not living; it’s a living death. There is no rush from what I can do these days. I’ve tried to get the same feeling from other things that I used to know and enjoy. Nothing compares to what I used to have. There simply isn’t anything I could do today to give me the same feeling. I have no friends, no job, no girlfriend, and it doesn’t look like that situation will ever change in this life.

My life today isn’t fun, it isn’t even interesting. I am confined to my house, only leaving for coffee, or a trip to the store. My life isn’t very enjoyable, because the things that I used to find enjoyable, and challenging; are not options any longer.

It seems ruthless cruel that I have been forced to live like zombie cat shit, being drugged out of my mind to enjoy a living death. I think that they last thing I would ever say is that I have enjoyed this life the last twenty years.

Sure there are other things to get enjoyment from, I still do what I can; but the enjoyments I used to have were far better than what I can do today. It is difficult to get a real thrill from coding html, not that it doesn’t have some rewards, but my family treats my accomplishments these days like they are worthless trash. I would like to see them do what I’ve done the last five years. Yeah, that would be fun.

I’m very good at what I do, its the only way I can get a thrill. Still, I find that I long for the days I was challenging myself physically. My life today while peaceful, is lacking anything that produces the same feelings that being physically skilled and pushing the limits of what I can do. Somehow, a dog walk just doesn’t have the same rush that going thirty miles an hour on rollerblades has.

I long for the times my life was better. I keep saying, “Life has to get better.” However, it seems I’ve come to terms with the fact, in this body; life isn’t going to get better. Pity, this life is a living death. I wanted better. Just a piece of advice, take care of your teeth, they rot out fast once they start to go. Wish I had been better about what I could have done about it; but it is far too late now.

However, their cry’s of my insanity; what I have to say about that is this; they live like zombie house cats. I want to live my life; and better than most ever dream. Most people in this world don’t really live; they just exist. Pity. They will never know what really living is like.

This cage I have now, someday its going to be replaced. Life has to get a lot better, and right quick.

Photo Credit: Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Unsplash

Written by Ctopher Thomas, A Real Misfit

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aquarium Courage fish tank ink isolation lonely Note to Self Thinking

Why Lonely People Stay Lonely

About one of the most cruel things that a person can experience is prolonged isolation. It hurts not only society, but also the individuals that it effects.

In today’s world, just talking about loneliness is enough to make people that have friends flee from you. They figure if you are alone, and don’t have anyone, then there must be a reason you are alone and isolated.

The best thing you can do is develop your social skills in the privacy of your own home, work on speaking and being wonderful. Then when you have developed some character and charisma go out and wow them.

If you are very isolated and alone, chances are things aren’t going to get better. People love it when you smile, but there is nothing like being genuine. People are drawn to happy people, because it makes them feel good and they all want to feel better.

The last thing they want is be the butt end of someone that makes them feel depressed, sad, or less then perfect. So if you can work towards making people feel good, that makes them feel better, and by making them feel better, they like you; wham!

So Do What’s Best For Everyone!

So work towards making people feel good emotionally, mentally, and physically. Everyone wants money, but the people that work towards the good of their fellow people is better liked than the scrooge.

Isolation isn’t good, and when you feel like you have major set backs and failures; and you isolate between failures, it sets up a reoccurring pattern of failure followed by isolation with more isolation after then next failure.

It’s vital to break the pattern. It’s vital to break the cycle of failure, isolation, failure. Gambling isn’t a solution. Because you’re guaranteed to loose more money than you make. That sets a pattern of failure too, but with a different feeling.

Combined, those things make bad shit. You have to unfuck yourself, and right quick. Because they aren’t going to make it right for you, the only one that can do that for yourself is you.

Forget about success or failure. Live free, the more free the better. If you can raise your standard of living, then that’s better. But don’t count success as your standard for living. Because that would be shallow and superficial. The best thing is to be smart enough to understand yourself. Then do what’s best for everyone.

See This Useful Link To Better UnderStand

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learning lonely Writing

Captains Log

Lost Love

This underground account of the lost love that was only possible. Although it wasn’t practical. Adults forget the secrets they once knew. Mostly because the system tries to beat out any trace of wisdom or knowledge. Anything that isn’t hidden in Poetry.

Even then your odds are based upon the probability of pi. Speaking of odds, this reminds me of a story that I wrote some sixteen years ago. It was bad timing for a story. It was however good practice and there was something that was needed to be recalled.

Those that listen to the wind, and hear the voice in the running stream. Those of us know of higher callings in life than the rat race and its bone chilling hate.

Those that know what it means to know kindness. Those are the ones that know of truth. You will find it in most dogs that haven’t been abused. However it is never seen in a cat. They lack the very basic fiber to know the difference and lack the ability to be like a dog in any way.

Be Like Fido

A paradox of absurdity is trying to make cats turn into dogs. It’s messy and the cats don’t like it. That is to be more specific that it is mostly bad for the cats. The dogs however find that the cats who abused them, will benefit from knowing better understanding. If nothing else perhaps for a short time in their brief lives.

There was this dream from my childhood that I remember of being in a garden. There was a tree that was so pretty. It was in the fall of the year and the tree was losing its leaves. As the light wind blew the tree’s leaves started to rain down, and in the maelstrom there was one that I caught as it fell through the air.

This is to say that as a leaf was blowing in the wind. I caught one before it touched the ground. However in a dream anything could be magic and this was no different. The garden disappeared and there was a lady who is my equal that met my gaze.

She says to me, “It was not by chance that you caught that leaf falling through the air, and you and me are right as rain.”

“Who are you my dear that I may know more?” I ask her with my eyes full of wonder and my heart feeling warmer and lighter than any dream.

Dreams

“You will know who I am, no words can describe our bond.” Then she took the leaf from my hand and said, “Now go into the world and be born again. Find me if you dare, but Remember to wake up before the sleeper wakes.”

Then upon closing my eyes I was born new in a fresh world with oxygen and a place that was strange. Although it is wonderful, and very different.”

I had no idea what was in store for me. To say a heap of living would be an understatement. It’s been more like a dream that makes your head hurt, and your body ache.

Looking through the streets with no name, and finding none that would match the divine soul I was looking for. What is a man in need to do? They ask for help. In such a dream like world, even asking for help is seen as weird to the dream. They don’t know how to make heads or tails of the situation.

If they could help, would they? It might be it would defeat the purpose of trying to keep the dreamer asleep. Would they want you to  wake up too soon? Then there is also the risk of over sleeping and being late to the party.

Both are bad. Try navigating through the world looking for someone that doesn’t want to be found. Is it a game of hide and seek or just the careless wind blowing in the south?

Wind Blows Bleak

Speaking of which in a dream does the wind actually give a damn where it blows? That is absurd, to think the wind thinks it blows. The wind exists, we think it blows but to the wind it’s just existing. Need you really define the wind as blowing to know it exists?

In a dream, people will try to show you fools gold, and pictures of desire that leave you as empty as an old bottle of booze. However like that empty bottle of booze dreaming while dreaming is absurd and leads to confusion like having drank that bottle of booze.

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Blue bored Courage journals lonely

Wanted: Lasting Peace

Travels

Through the years, there have been many road blocks to understanding, making reasonable progress. There have also been many obstacles in the way of positive change. These are not impossible hurdles, they are merely moments that people have to learn how to overcome.

There are a few things that can be learned from Douglas Adams. Most notably that the whale was conscious of both being alive, and the ground. What is also noteworthy is that the bowl of petunias was also conscious.

This time I have spent on earth has been interesting. You know most people having the human experience don’t reach being holy while having the human experience. It’s only after the experience that they can fully appreciate the experience and understand it.

Journey

While I have been able to do a lot of creative work, I would not say that it has been my masterpiece. These are but raw uncooked and seriously underdeveloped ideas. Not that they are all worthless, only that they have not been fully realized to becoming what they could be. I would like to see your progress under the same circumstances and do better than I have.

I’m kinda pissed about the memories. It’s not the kind of stuff you ever want to forget, but it’s been rough going. Pain of and in itself doesn’t kill you, but the experience is hell. Those that have been understanding of my struggles and my suffering I want to say that it’s most appreciated that you have put up with me this long. It’s not always been fun. It has however stirred truth and light to awaken in my being.

I’m sorry for the unkind words I have been responsible for, however in my search for truth and understanding these have been necessary to uncover my minds grasp of truth to understand and become aware of deeper than surface thoughts. To be honest it’s been painful.

Experience

Many of you have tired of my effort, my sincere apologies. Please note that I was paying attention to everything you said, it was however difficult for me as you were talking in code and I was only trying to be friendly.

What we need is peace of mind, peace on earth, and lasting well being. We also need these same very things in other places in the galaxy and universe. It’s not just a problem on earth, everyone has the need for basic compassion and understanding in life, where we all appreciate each other and love as much as possible. It starts with peace on earth.

I hope that you can find the compassion in your hearts to be kind to each other and be understanding while doing no harm to others. As far as my creative work, it’s only just began. I consider most all of what I have been working as merely research and development. Those that had to put up with dealing with my thinking, behavior, and lack of gravity. You will however have to understand that the work is very important and will be remembered.

When the work is complete you can make heads or tails of the whole situation for later. Until then, be cool. Be well. Have some fun. Thanks to Momz who was very patient while not understanding my creative mind needed to roam the very wild places in the safety of a calm environment.

Photo by Ctopher Thomas - self.
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Courage isolation journals lonely Motivations Note to Self

Is Solitude The Only Solution?

What Really Matters In Life

Personal Growth is one of the most important aspects to living when you wish to achieve happiness and fulfillment. Everyone seems to be an expert on how to make your life better. By just a few simple habits that when practiced on a daily basis will bring you a better life.

The problem is we have to many lifestyle coaches and not enough people that will do common sense things. Recently I read an article that while it was well written and even thought out very well. It however leaves an empty pit in my mind about what is important.

A happy and fulfilling life is one where your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs are being well met if not above and beyond what is necessary.

It’s not only possible to have your emotional needs met, it’s essential. Having your spiritual needs met can make your emotional needs feel less difficult. And everyone goes through times that are tough, so it’s important to have something to fall back on in the difficult emotional times. Everyone needs to feel their life has special meaning.

What are your real needs?

When ones physical needs are not being met then life begins to decay and it impacts the persons emotional and spiritual needs. But we have to consider these aspects through the proper field of vision to understand them and what is really important.

In matters of personal growth, all the factors have to be addressed. When someone is prevented from having growth in emotional, spiritual, or physical ways; it harms them. It can often harm them in ways that are very difficult to repair.

People are addicted to distractions. They are constantly totally addicted to not spending time with themselves. People today are going from one distraction to the next without listening to darn thing anyone really says.

The real problem today is that people don’t listen to each other. They are so distracted with their feelings and the thoughts those feelings create. With this endless feedback cycle they can not hear a word someone else has to say.

The problem is not technology. It’s not that the world is so connected that people no longer can have self control and function. The problem is that their expectations for what is reasonable is broken.

Dive Deeper

People have become so shallow and superficial that they no longer have deep meaningful conversations about life. Everything is about what is on the surface. And on the surface is just dross scum that doesn’t want anything deeper than talk about the weather.

The other problem is that people that are well in touch and connected with themselves seem illogical to people that are lost in today’s feedback loops of the heart and mind.

Those who are in touch with themselves seem far too different than those who are out of touch with themselves. We need to address these issues that people are so judgmental that they can not accept anyone being as broken as they are to stay alive.

Again, the problem isn’t with technology. It’s what and how people communicate. And what their expectations are for how they feel. People are no longer thinking, they are only feeling. When someone no longer thinks, then they can not be reasoned with because their feelings are becoming illogical. They have no way to communicate how they feel, and we need compassion for them to sort it out.

How To Change

When a being becomes a logical well reasoned and in touch with themselves then chaos and confusion seem to vanish. It becomes self evident truth that speaks to us, not the noise of what they want us to believe.

Those people that only rely upon their feelings to communicate seem like wild animals that are a danger to the rational mind.

So while being connected is good, if that connection means being away from other people that will spend physical time with you. Then you are going to feel the effects of being more isolated. Then life starts going from one dopamine rush to the next waiting for the fix that makes you feel connected again.

The solutions start in our families. With our friends, and with people that we want to reach. What is sad is when within our own social groups that when we reach out for help that the calls go unanswered. People today will try to down-play your problems as if they are not important. The key to success here is not to make small problems big ones, and always keep the small ones to yourself. Learn to deal with small problems, and only ask for help for the big stuff.

This is the biggest problem, people are dying for help and connection and for someone to listen to them. When we ask for help; no one does anything but say, “I wish that I could help you, but there is nothing I can do to make it better.”

Do Better Everyday

The real problem is everyone has pity on their lips but none in their hearts. Problems like this have to change for the better. When people reach out everyone is either too busy. Or has their own set of problems that they want to deal with and anyone else’s problems are trivial compared to their own.

The only way to stop this madness is to start giving back to others in ways that make them feel needed and useful. To bring back the feeling of physical connection, emotional connections, and spiritual connections.

Instead of trying to condemn everyone, reach out for your own personal growth and learn something new. Learn all you can about yourself as a person. Get to know yourself better than ever before. When you have mastered that, then always do maintenance in keeping what you believe in good repair.

Don’t be selfish in doing things only for yourself. Help others likewise to come to understand and think. If you teach a robot what to think, not how to think, it will live it’s whole life believing it’s not programmed from the start.